


Gross

by Justakpoprose



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluffy Ending, M/M, Rimming, Smut, Top Kim Jongin | Kai, mentions of bulimia, overall sin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2018-07-24 11:18:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7506235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justakpoprose/pseuds/Justakpoprose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Kyungsoo knows he’s gross, he knows he’s disgusting, but here he is, in love with the most perfect man, he thinks, has ever existed.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'll try and update regularly, but let's be real I'll probably forget a few times

Kyungsoo looked wearily at the mirror in front of him, taking in his image, he hates it. He jabs and pulls violently at the fat that hangs on his stomach, hoping it’ll vanish somehow in the harsh touches. It doesn’t though, it stays, sitting on him making him hate himself even more. He can hear his band mates talking and laughing loudly outside the bathroom door, unaware of what’s happening between the thin wooden door that separates them.

Disgusting He thinks, staring at his own reflection.

Fatty

So ugly

Gross

A knock scares Kyungsoo out of his thoughts, “Hey Soo you done yet?” It’s Jongin and Kyungsoo can feel his face heat up and his heart constricts tightly at the sound of his voice. Kyungsoo quickly pulls on a tee shirt before pulling the bathroom door open.

He plasters a quick smile on his face, “All yours.” He says, trying his very best not to stand there and look deep into Jongin’s brown eyes. He flashes the shorter a bright smile making Kyungsoo’s breath hitch slightly before moving to the right to allow Jongin to pass him. Before he fully realizes it Jongin has passed him and shut the bathroom door, leaving Kyungsoo to stand by himself in the hallway. He can still hear laughter coming from the living room. For a short moment he thinks they may be laughing at them, but then realizes he’s not important enough to be talked about.

Kyungsoo has gotten in the rhythm of laying in his room in the dark of the night. Staring upward into the abyss of blackness, letting his thoughts run rampant, letting them take over him. He thinks of himself, how imperfect he is. How ugly and fat. Kyungsoo knows he’s gross, he knows he’s disgusting, but here he is, in love with the most perfect man, he thinks, has ever existed. Jongin. His mind often returns to him. HIs tan skin and bright smile that he somehow musters up for someone like Kyungsoo. All the touches they’ve shared and the eruption of butterflies with every stolen glance Jongin’s way.

He’s pathetic.

Falling in love with someone so perfect, so unobtainable, but it suits Kyungsoo in a way. To want something he can never have. He wants that with his body too. He wants to have more muscle, to be fitter, to be handsome, but he can’t ever get that. He was cursed by God himself to be the ugliest in EXO. He knows he’s not as great as his attractive counterparts, he knows. He not only has himself, but the fans to remind him. Remind him that he doesn’t really deserve to be an idol, to be in EXO because everyone around him is amazing and talented and he’s just Kyungsoo.

It’s 9:07 a.m and the room is cold when he wakes up. He’d thrown the covers off of him sometime in the night, leaving him exposed to the harsh world of the air conditioner. He’s reluctant to get up, they don’t have a schedule, a rare occurrence, so he could easily sleep longer if he wanted to, but he can hear the sound of his band members, awake, active, and lively. He holds his breath for a second contemplating going back to sleep, but ultimately decides against it pull himself over to his closet to put on a passable outfit for the day. 

Breakfast was already cooked when he reached the kitchen surprising Kyungsoo as his bandmates already sat around the table eating, laughing, perfectly content without him. He was the one who usually cooked, the one who got them all up in the morning, and the one who made them all sit down and eat. They we’re already doing that though, without him, as if he’d never even existed in the first place. He thinks it’s probably easier if he didn’t.

“Oh, Kyungsoo!” Junmyeon speaks from the table, a smile on his face from the conversation he’d just been having with Minseok. “You’re finally awake!”

Kyungsoo quickly puts a smile on his face, “Yes, um, who made breakfast?” Trying his best to not look disappointed.

“Oh Chanyeol and Baekhyun if you can believe it. We’re going to wake you up, but you looked so happy sleeping you know?”

Kyungsoo just nodded trying his best to keep a smile on his face. Junmyeon was lying. They all were. They just didn’t want him around, that’s why they didn’t wake him up. They found him annoying. He knew it. They all hated him. They couldn’t even stand his presence enough to have a meal with him, not that he’d eat anyway he needed to lose weight. Maybe if he wasn’t so fat his bandmates would like him, maybe Jongin would like him.

Kyungsoo allowed his eyes to wander over to Jongin who is looking up at him. Noticing Kyungsoo’s attention he quickly smiles and diverts his eyes back to his food. Kyungsoo wouldn’t want to make eye contact with himself either honestly. Who would want to look at something so disgusting? Especially someone like Jongin, someone so handsome and attractive.

Kyungsoo looks down at his feet for a moment before looking up again at his band mates. They’ve all started eating again not even noticing his presence. “I’m going to go to the practice studio, ok?” Junmyeon barely looks away from his ongoing conversation to briefly give him a thumbs up in acknowledgment. Kyungsoo quickly puts on his shoes and starts out the door.

It’s the middle of summer, the heat is sweltering and Kyungsoo is somewhat regretting the long sleeved black shirt he is sporting, but black is a slimming color and he needs something to cover up the pounds of fat that sit on him. Maybe he’ll even sweat some of the weight off. If he hadn’t eaten so much at dinner he could have worn something lighter. Who needs to eat a whole bowl of rice? Not someone as fat as him. He’s glad he didn’t eat breakfast, he doesn’t need useless calories to add on to the growing problem of his weight.


	2. Chapter 2

Kyungsoo was sweating down to his core he stood in the middle of EXO’s practice room. The black sweatshirt he’s wearing stick in an uncomfortable way to his skin. To his fat. He looks at his reflection in the large practice room mirrors. He searches for a feature about himself that he likes. He can’t seem to find one. His mind stays to Jongin. He wonders if Jongin is as disgusted in Kyungsoo’s body as he is. He awkwardly pulls at the dark sleeves, he knows the answer. It’s yes. Of course, it’s yes. Kyungsoo shakes his head rapidly he quickly restarts the song moving through the moves for what feels like the millionth time. Maybe it is. Who knows?

It isn’t till about an hour later that the rest of his members walk through the door laughing amongst themselves. All 11 file in barely paying him any mind. They’re used to him coming before the rest of them at this point. He looks back into the mirror. His chubby body easily stands out amongst his fit band members. He doesn’t understand how the company let him debut, or even still be a part of EXO when he’s like this amongst 11 gods. Maybe it’s god’s way of messing with him. God quite enjoys screwing with Kyungsoo’s life that was evident when he fell in love with Kim Jongin. There has always been a voice in Kyungsoo’s head taunting him with the thought that maybe his bandmates, all of them including Jongin, hated him just as much as he hated himself. He wouldn’t be surprised if this was true.

“Kyungsoo!” Junmyeon calls for him. All the rest of the members are formation for practice already, watching him with curious and slightly irritated eyes. “What are you doing? Get ready.” He asks annoyed. 

Kyungsoo quickly bowed, whispering an apology as he ran to his place. The music to their song starts up and he begins to move. He’s not 100% on beat and his body moves to awkwardly as he watches himself in the mirror. He hates it. He wishes his body would move as fluidly as Jongin’s or as dynamic as Yixing, but it doesn’t. It moves like a puppet pulled by strings that are tied on too tight. He’s a disappointment to his bandmates, to the fans.

“Stop!” Yifan’s voice booms over the music.

He knows what’s coming Yifan’s going to tell him how awful he’s doing, that he doesn’t deserve to be here, that he should just leave. Kyungsoo won’t even be able to fight back either since he’ll be completely right. Kyungsoo quickly prepares himself to begin apologizing.

“Sorry I messed up guys let’s start again,” Yifan says.

The boys all groan and Tao punches him slightly on the arm before the music starts up once more. Kyungsoo is shocked but still tries his best while dancing, determined not to make anyone angry.

____________

“Hey Soo,” Kyungsoo stops in the middle of the practice room. They finished not long ago and everyone was packing up their stuff. He turns to see Jongin standing over him as Kyungsoo squats next to his bag on the floor. He quickly stands. “You did well today!” His eyes crinkle in a smile.

Liar

Kyungsoo smiles up at him, “Thank you, I wish I could dance as well as you though…”

Jongin laughs, “You dance perfectly fine.”

Liar

Kyungsoo keeps his smile firmly on his face, trying not to let his eyes wander to the sweat that is slowly traveling down his face and his shirt that sticks tightly to his formed torso. He can’t be too obvious, he can’t scare Jongin off. He needs him, even if Jongin will never love him, he needs him.

“Hey, you wanna go get ice cream with the rest of us?”

Kyungsoo is tempted to say yes, to go with Jongin and spend, even if it isn’t that long, a few more moments with him, but if he agrees and then doesn’t eat the boys will be suspicious. If he does get ice cream then not only will he feel extremely guilty for eating so many calories, but the boys will notice and they’ll see how gross he is.

He shakes his head, “No thanks, I’m gonna head to the dorm so I can shower and still have hot water left.”

He thinks he sees Jongin’s smile wavered for a moment, but it’s just for a moment then it’s gone and Kyungsoo doubts that it happened. “Ok hyung get some rest for me, alright?” Jongin ruffles Kyungsoo’s hair slowly making eye contact with him.

Kyungsoo smiles, Jongin’s hand is sitting comfortably at the back of his head, fingers intertwined with his black hair. “I’ll sleep well I promise.” Jongin looks into his eyes unmoving, still smiling at him. His hand has now traveled to the back of Kyungsoo’s neck and his thumb is moving back and forth in a rhythmic pattern. “Jongin?” Kyungsoo asks confused. He thought he was going to go with the rest of the guys?

Jongin quickly snatches his hand away, “Ah, sorry hyung I got lost in thought… I better go now.” He quickly says before snatching up his bag and making his way out of the practice room right soon after Sehun exits.

Kyungsoo puts his hand on his neck where Jongin was just at. Kyungsoo smiles to himself thinking of Jongin and how softly he touched him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this so far buy me a coffee: https://ko-fi.com/justakpoprose


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this so far buy me a coffee: https://ko-fi.com/justakpoprose

Cold water travels down the expanse of Kyungsoo’s body as he stands under the head of the dorm's shower. He’s been in for almost 30 minutes now, but his band members still aren’t home. They wouldn’t care that much as long as he doesn’t use up the warm water. He lets out a huff of breath. He doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore. He doesn’t understand why he’s here why he feels so unwanted. He knows it’s a little ridiculous and his band mates most likely care for him, but he can’t shake off that feeling. That feeling that he’s actually just a burden on the group, that he’s holding the other boys back. He hates himself for it, but he just feels so unloved.

    He tilts his head up facing the cold water letting it run down his face, his black hair being pushed into his eyes. He slowly reaches for the shower handle turning it off. He stands there for a moment before dragging his hands down his face ridding it of most of the water. He grabbed one of the towel hanging on the wall quickly drying himself with it, wrapping it around his waist, and leaving the bathroom.

    Compared to the icy shower Kyungsoo had just been in the dorm was warm, almost inviting. He turned to enter Jongin and his shared room. He searched through his dresser quickly putting on his underwear but was currently struggling to find any pants or a tee shirt for him to wear. He sighed, the laundry hadn’t been done yet. He took out a pair of pajama pants that are too big for him, shuffling them on and pulling the drawstring extra tight. The end of the pants went past his feet, but not to the point where he couldn’t walk.

    He quickly set in search of a tee shirt once more only to be disappointed. He wandered the room for a moment before his eyes landed on Jongin’s dresser. Jongin would probably hate it if Kyungsoo wore one of his shirts, but was far too kind to say anything. Kyungsoo sadly decided to take advantage of this fishing out one of his shirts and throwing it over his head. The shirt was too big and went down to his mid thigh and hung loosely on his shoulders slipping down and revealing his nonexistent collarbones every once in awhile. The long sleeves traveling a few centimeters past his fingertips. Even in clothes that weren’t supposed to fit him in the slightest, he could feel his stomach and thighs rubbing against the fabric reminding him of the weight he had yet to lose.

    Kyungsoo could hear the doorknob wiggling as one of the members worked their key in it to get it open. Kyungsoo braced himself. He looked awful, he was sure the boys would be able to see the obvious weight that sat on him, constricting him. All he could think of was how Jongin would look at him. In Jongin’s shirt looking disgusting. He desperately tried to hold himself together as he heard the door finally opened.

    “Kyungsoo!” He heard Jongin call.

    He took a deep breath preparing himself before calling back, “Coming!”

    Kyungsoo slowly entered the kitchen, Jongin had his back to him as he leaned down into the fridge.

    “Soo do you know if we have any-” Jongin stopped talking when he laid eyes on him, “Is that my shirt?”

    Kyungsoo blushed nodding his head, “All of mine are dirty, I was hoping you wouldn’t mind…”

    Jongin’s eyes slowly looked him up and down, “Yeah… It’s fine don’t worry about it.” He was right, Kyungsoo thought to himself, Jongin was disgusted.

“What were you asking about by the way?”

Jongin snapped out of his trance, “Oh, right, do we have any eggs?”

“Why do you need eggs?”

“To eat, what else?”

    Kyungsoo chuckled, “No we ran out yesterday, you should probably text the boys and tell them to pick some up on the way home.”

    “No, I can get them myself in the morning.” Jongin sighed.

    “Then I guess they should be getting home pretty soon then?”

    Jongin paused for a moment, “Well I did leave pretty early… You know what it wouldn’t hurt to have them go get some things from the store real quick.” he spoke before pulling out his phone to text them.

    Kyungsoo looked at him confused, “I thought you were just going to do it in the morning.” Kyungsoo thought for a moment, even though he’d probably would be only bothering Jongin he wanted to be selfish, to have Jongin for himself even if it was a short amount of time, “But it would be easier having them do it since fans would probably notice you in the morning then them going at night.”

Jongin smiled, “Glad we agree.”

For a moment Kyungsoo forgot himself looking into Jongin’s smiling eyes. What he looked like in Jongin’s clothes. How Jongin would never share the same emotions as him and how much that hurt. That even if Jongin was attracted to boys Kyungsoo was too ugly, too fat to ever be his type. And for a moment Kyungsoo simply smiled back at him.

    “So should we watch a movie while we wait for them to get back?” Jongin asked pulling Kyungsoo out of his thoughts.

    “Um, sure I’ll pick something out, but you should probably shower before all of them get back and use all of the hot water.”

    “Ah, good idea! Then you go get it started, I’ll go clean up.” Jongin started towards their bedroom walking past Kyungsoo, “Oh Kyungie!” He turned back around to the smaller boy, “Make us some popcorn, okay?”

    Kyungsoo nodded, “Of course, it wouldn’t be right without it.”

    Jongin grinned, “You take such good care of me Soo.” He turned and walked into their bedroom.

    “Of course I take care of you,” Kyungsoo mumbled, “I’m in love with you.” Kyungsoo sighed, “But I’ll never be even close to good enough for you.”

_______

    Only about five minutes passed before Kyungsoo heard Jongin getting out of the shower. He’d already gone ahead and put on The Avengers, the popcorn was ready, and blankets wrapped snug around Kyungsoo as he sat on the couch. Kyungsoo didn’t dare eat a single piece of the popcorn no matter how much it tempted him. There are 106 calories in 1 oz of popcorn, 106 calories Kyungsoo did not need to add to his body. To the fat that was slowly shrinking with each passing day. He couldn’t ruin all of that now.

    Kyungsoo turned his head as the door to the bedroom opened. Jongin stood in the doorway for a moment. Kyungsoo gulped as he looked at him. He wore a tight white t-shirt and boxers. His hair was still wet from the shower and from the short distance they stood from each other he could see water droplets run down his face to his next and eventually down his shirt.

    Kyungsoo turned away, praying his face wasn’t completely red.

    “The Avengers, I love this movie!” Jongin laughed as he turned off the lights before flopping down on the couch next to Kyungsoo. “You didn’t eat any popcorn before I got here right?”

    Kyungsoo shook his head, “Of course not.”

    “Kyungsoo, you’re too nice.” Jongin slowly reached his hand up to Kyungsoo’s head slowly petting Kyungsoo’s hair.

    Kyungsoo’s heart beat rapidly in his chest, he could feel his cheeks slowly heating up. He looked up at Jongin as he continued to pet the top of his head, “Jongin?” He asked. Jongin looked down into his eyes, he seemed to be distracted at the moment. Kyungsoo couldn’t help but wonder how soft his hair could possibly be for him to still be petting him. “Jongin,” He said again, Jongin continued to stare into him, his hand stopped petting him and slowly made the way to the back of his neck. Jongin hummed in response. The only light illuminating the room came from the T.V. screen as it flicked the menu to the movie, but even in the dim light of the room, Kyungsoo could clearly make out Jongin’s intense eyes, staring at him. “Are we going to watch the movie?” asked hesitantly.

    Jongin snapped out of his trance removing his hand from the back of Kyungsoo’s neck turning to look at the screen, “Right,” He sighed for a moment, “The movie let’s start it.”

    Kyungsoo looked at him confused, was Jongin disappointed? “Do you not want to watch this?” He asked

    Jongin turned to him again, confused, “What do you mean?”

    “You just seem kind of disappointed to watch it, we can choose something else if you want.”

    Jongin shook his head quickly, “No, no, this movie is great you know I love it! Let’s start it okay?” Kyungsoo watched as Jongin’s mouth turned into a soft smile under the flickering lights of the T.V screen.

    “Okay.” He said pushing the play button.

    Even though it was almost Kyungsoo’s fifth time watching the movie he still found it amusing and so did Jongin apparently as he laughed at every joke that was made. It wasn’t until about halfway through that Kyungsoo realized he had moved closer to Jongin, their thighs lightly touching. Kyungsoo was probably making Jongin uncomfortable. Jongin was already pity watching a movie with him, he must feel disgusted having to sit so close to Kyungsoo nonetheless having his firm thighs making contact with Kyungsoo’s fat ones.

    Kyungsoo went to move away from Jongin but before he could even move Jongin wrapped his arms around Kyungsoo’s shoulders. Kyungsoo went still but said nothing, his eyes drilling holes into the screen even though he was paying it no attention, all he could focus on was the warmth of Jongin’s arm as it laid on his shoulders. “I hope you don’t mind,” Jongin whispered, “I’m getting cold.” Kyungsoo had no idea how he could be feeling cold since he was feeling extremely hot at the moment.

    “No, it’s fine.” He whispered back, “Do you want me to get another blanket?” Kyungsoo asked moving to get up to grab one but was pulled back down by Jongin who pulled him into his side.

    “No, you’re warm enough.”

    Kyungsoo nodded his head slowly, “Okay then.” he murmured to where Jongin couldn’t hear him.

The thing about Jongin was that no matter how much Kyungsoo hated himself, no matter how much he knew Jongin would be so much happier without him, he found himself relaxing around the younger. And so, Kyungsoo added the lack of time it took for him to relax in Jongin’s arms to his growing list of problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone I finally updated!!! I figured I should probably catch all of you up on what has been happening and why I haven't updated until now. I was admitted back into the hospital again. I finally got a therapist after I got out the first time and she recommended I go back for my safety. I'm doing a lot better now. They changed my medication as well as adding a new one, I've been out of the house a lot more and generally am feeling a lot happier. While writing this chapter I still called upon my past experiences, but it wasn't sad. It almost felt a bit refreshing in a way. I was really behind on school work because of my hospital visits, but it is finally summer so I no longer have any work to do! Therefore I should be updating more frequently and writing more one-shots as I promised in a previous author's note. Thank you to anyone who read all of this, I will try and update soon! Thank you all so much for staying with me and continuing to read my stories! 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in Jongin's pov to shake thinks up a bit.

Jongin's arm was still wrapped firmly around Kyungsoo but had traveled from his shoulders to his hip. Jongin smiled to himself. He faintly knew what was happening on the screen but it was becoming increasingly harder to pay attention as he took notice Kyungsoo waning in and out of consciousness. Jongin could make out in the corner of his eye the shorter’s eyes slowly closing before snapping them back open. Jongin’s heart squeezed as he looked on at the sight. Kyungsoo was fully tucked into Jongin’s side, his knees brought up to his chest. The shirt Kyungsoo was wearing, his shirt Jongin remembered, had fallen down exposing the shoulder closest to Jongin. He struggled not to lean down and place a kiss on the smooth skin before him.

Jongin’s mind wandered back to when he saw Kyungsoo come out of their shared room, not an hour before. His hair still damp from his shower, sweatpants too large grazing the ground and Jongin’s shirt that was also too big for him.

The shirt hung off of him giving Jongin’s eyes perfect access to Kyungsoo’s soft neck and collar bones. He almost died right then and there. If Kyungsoo hadn’t said something Jongin probably would have ended up kissing him, if not more.

Jongin was eternally grateful didn’t, Kyungsoo was so cute and adorable and most importantly not gay. He was Jongin’s best friend and he didn’t want to ruin that. He was sure that Kyungsoo had started to catch on to his feelings and as such began to distance himself from him, but Jongin was selfish. He wanted to be close to Kyungsoo, even if that meant just getting him to watch a movie so Jongin could have an excuse to be near him, or that he was cold so he could cuddle him and when Kyungsoo finally fell asleep in his arms as he usually did when they watched movies he could kiss the top of his head without the other boy knowing. Jongin was too far gone for Kyungsoo and he wasn’t quite sure he wanted to come back.

Kyungsoo’s breathing had become slow and rhythmic, his body lax against Jongin’s arm and side. Jongin looked down at him, Kyungsoo had finally fallen asleep. Jongin smiled, Kyungsoo had been working himself so hard lately and deserved the extra rest. The movie still had just over 10 minutes left in it but Jongin wasn’t watching it. He instead let his eyes roam over Kyungsoo, from his long eyelashes to his button nose before settling on his lips. Kyungsoo’s lips were Jongin’s guilty pleasure, although he never kissed them he stared at them often. At their lush thickness, how pink and cute they were, and when Kyungsoo would lick them they instantly looked 10 times more delectable. Jongin bit his lip wondering if he gave them a slight peck would Kyungsoo wake up? He shook his head it was too risky. Instead, Jongin leaned down slowly placing a soft kiss to the top of his head. He smiled to himself before eyeing the shoulder that was still exposed. Not even Jongin could resist it, after all this time holding himself back he wanted to, just this once, do something risky. He delicately placed a single kiss to Kyungsoo’s shoulder. He paused for a second allowing his lips to stay in contact with Kyungsoo’s skin, not knowing when he’d have this opportunity again. Kyungsoo sighed moving his head further into the back of the couch. For a moment he assumed Kyungsoo had woken up but was pleased to see he hadn’t. However, he was even more pleased to see in his movements Kyungsoo had left his neck on display for Jongin’s eyes. His silky skin was testing Jongin. Jongin liked to think he had a strong sense of self-control, but even he had his limits. He wrapped his second arm around Kyungsoo and before he could second-guess himself he kissed Kyungsoo on the vein of his neck. He pulled back and paused waiting for Kyungsoo to wake up. He didn’t. Jongin smiled before leaning down to place another one, then another until Jongin lost count. It wasn’t until the end credits started playing that Jongin pulled away from Kyungsoo’s warm neck to look at the screen before the menu came back on.  
“Mmm, more.” Jongin whipped his head back to Kyungsoo. He was still asleep. He wanted more neck kisses, in his sleep. Jongin’s breath found itself caught in his throat.

Jongin was dying,“No one should be this cute, it’s unfair.”He mumbled to himself. He hugged Kyungsoo tighter in his arms. He kissed his neck again, but this time letting the contact last slightly longer. Kyungsoo sighed in his sleep as Jongin’s lips continued to make contact with his skin. Jongin was slowly losing his mind. As he yet again placed another kiss he allowed himself to bite softly at Kyungsoo’s sensitive skin.

Kyungsoo hummed in pleasure, causing Jongin’s already rapid heartbeat to speed up. He bit at Kyungsoo’s neck again, making sure it wasn’t enough to wake him up. He then began sucking at different parts of Kyungsoo’s skin, not enough to leave a mark or wake him up, but just enough to settle Jongin’s urges.

“Mm,” Kyungsoo quietly moaned. Jongin could feel Kyungsoo’s hands softly grip the blanket as Jongin continued to make his way up and down Kyungsoo’s neck.

Then the doorknob began moving as one of the boys placed their key into the lock. Jongin’s head quickly lifted up to look at the door. His mind raced, the position he was in didn’t exactly benefit him. He quickly moved an arm under Kyungsoo’s leg and back lifting him up and swiftly carrying him into their room closing the door as silently as possible with Kyungsoo in his arms behind them.

He sighed as he heard the boys file into the dorm. Jongin moved lay Kyungsoo down in his bed, pulling the covers up to his shoulders. He switched off the lights and before getting in his own bed he stopped and turned looking at Kyungsoo sleeping soundly on his own. Jongin hesitated before walking to Kyungsoo’s bed and climbing in.

The warmth of Kyungsoo’s back radiated onto Jongin’s chest. Jongin moved his arm carefully under Kyungsoo’s sleeping body. Before he could wrap his other hand around Kyungsoo he turned facing Jongin, his face laid on Jongin’s arm, his cheek laying against his chest. Kyungsoo wrapped his arms tightly around Jongin’s body, burying his face into his chest, pushing their bodies together. Jongin was positive his face was completely flushed. He moved his own arms to encircle Kyungsoo holding him against him. Jongin placed a light kiss to the top of Kyungsoo’s head before laying his chin comfortably on it. In that moment Jongin was thankful that Kyungsoo was asleep because if he had been awake he surely would have heard how violently his heart was beating at the moment.

_____

Kyungsoo’s alarm clock ringed obnoxiously loud into Jongin’s ears. He groaned as he slowly enters consciousness. He looked down at Kyungsoo who was also beginning to awaken. He was still snug in Jongin’s arms. He shook his head in Jongin’s chest trying to ignore the sound that was growing more annoying with each passing second. His fist gripped tightly at Jongin’s shirt as he tried to bury his head into Jongin’s firm chest. Jongin chuckled softly at the image before him, sleepy Kyungsoo was exceptionally adorable.

Jongin leaned down into Kyungsoo’s ear, “Soo.” He whispered. Kyungsoo lifted his head making eye contact with Jongin, his eyes still glazed over with sleep. He blinked a few times. “It’s time to get up Soo.” Kyungsoo nodded hesitantly sitting up and hitting the alarm clock stopping the ongoing noise.

Kyungsoo rubbed his eyes yawning. Jongin could never understand how he could possibly look so cute in the morning, that shouldn’t be possible. The fact that he was wearing Jongin’s shirt certainly didn’t help to ease Jongin’s heart. No other person in the world looked perfect as soon as they woke up, but Kyungsoo did, much to Jongin’s dismay, causing him to melt every single morning when he looked at him. The world truly was unfair.

Kyungsoo turned and looked at him, “Why are you in my bed?”

Jongin froze for a moment looking for an excuse other than “I’m in love with you and wanted to be as close to you as possible.”

“I got cold last night.” He answered smiling praying Kyungsoo would buy it.

Kyungsoo nodded slowly, “Then how did I get in bed.”

“I carried you.”

Kyungsoo began nodding again before abruptly stopping, his eyes opening wide, “You carried me?”

“Yeah? Why?” Jongin asked confused, was Kyungsoo uncomfortable with that? Did he not like Jongin touching him so much? God, he’d kill him if he knew what he did on the couch last night while he slept then.

“I wasn’t heavy?” Kyungsoo asked.

Jongin laughed, “Kyungsoo, I’m strong enough to pick you up.”

“But that could have hurt you! You shouldn’t lift up things that weigh so much!” Kyungsoo protested.

Jongin looked at him for a moment, “What are you talking about?” Jongin questioned, “You’re extremely light and even if you weren’t, you’re adorable, who would care?” Jongin blushed slightly, he’d slipped up.

Kyungsoo turned away, “I care.”

Jongin sat up, “Don’t think about your weight too much, okay?” He ruffled Kyungsoo’s hair, “I like you how you are.”

Kyungsoo smoothed out his hair, “I could still lose a few more pounds.”

Jongin moved to hug him but stopped himself, “I don’t think so.”

“You don’t?” Kyungsoo looked at him again.

“No, I think you’re cute like this.” Jongin grinned at him, “Plus if you lose weight cuddling with you won’t be as fun.” A moment of silence fell over the room as Kyungsoo simply stared at him. Jongin hated himself, could he have been any more obvious? “Well I’m going to go use the bathroom before everyone else wakes up, you should go when I get out, okay?” Jongin didn’t wait to hear a response quickly rushing to the bathroom and briskly shutting and locking the door.

He was an idiot. Calling Soo adorable and cute right to him. He might as well have written “I’m in love with you!” on his forehead. Kyungsoo probably was questioning their friendship at the moment. He was so cute and kind and adorable. He had thousands of beautiful female fans just waiting for a chance to just speak with him. Kyungsoo would most likely rather be with a nameless, faceless fan than even think about Jongin. To put it shortly Kyungsoo was completely out of Jongin’s league.

_____

The rest of the day went by uneventfully, they performed their song on M Countdown and a few other stages, went through quite a number of interviews, and a fan sign for their new album. He barely got any contact with Kyungsoo so when the group finally stood in the practice room late at night with just the 12 of them Jongin felt relaxed. He made his way over to Kyungsoo who sat on the ground stretching.

“Hey, you were struggling a bit yesterday, do you want me to help you?” He asked trying desperately not to focus on how wide Kyungsoo’s legs could spread apart, or how good his fluffy soft thighs looked in the short track shorts he was currently wearing and how nice it would feel to rub his hands on them and bite at them giving him marks up and down his pillowy skin.

“No,” Kyungsoo spoke, “I think I should have it today.” He smiled up at him. Kyungsoo stood up dropping his phone in the process, he bent down to pick it up giving Jongin full view of the back of his thighs as the shorts rode up and his butt as the fabric wrapped tightly around it. Jongin was sure he was going to die in that moment. “So anyway,” Kyungsoo spoke now fully upright and turned towards him, “Jongin are you okay?” Kyungsoo asked concerned.

Jongin nodded, not completely recovered, “Yeah, I just got distracted thinking about something.”

“About what?”

Jongin panicked, “The choreography.” He answered quickly.

“Yeah, it is pretty difficult,” He paused for a moment before quickly adding, “That’s why I struggled so much yesterday!”

“Okay, guys let’s get started!” Jongin heard Junmyeon yell. Jongin moved to his spot just in time for the music to start. Jongin moved with the other members not missing a beat but as he stared into the large practice room mirrors he found himself continuously looking over at Kyungsoo as he danced rhythmically. He swore he made eye contact with Kyungsoo but quickly threw the thought away, why would Kyungsoo look at him if he was practicing.

The music stopped for a break, but Jongin continued to move through the movements of the dance trying to perfect them. There was one part that he could completely get where he wanted and it bothered him. He looked over at Kyungsoo through the mirror’s reflection only to find him yet again bending over, this time tying his shoe. And with that Jongin knew he was in Hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this so far buy me a coffee: https://ko-fi.com/justakpoprose


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Quick little side thing for anyone who ships Verkwan, I am going to be starting a new chaptered story with Verkwan as the main couple! it should be posted later this week if not tomorrow! I am also thinking about making the next chapter from Jongin's pov like the last one, but I wanted y'all's opinion on it so please leave a comment! Anyways enjoy the chapter!

Kyungsoo was sure that at any second now his lungs were going to give up on him. His hands shook on his knees as he heaved in and out. They’d run through the new choreography a countless number of times and with each run through his strength declined his body protesting at every movement. His knees felt weak, a dull pain was stabbing his abdomen, and his stomach stinging in hunger which only further amplified his exhaustion. No matter how much he wanted just to go back to the dorms and just sleep he couldn’t. He had to keep going, he had to keep working harder, he had to lose more weight. Everyone in Exo was attractive, everyone was attractive and had so many fans to swoon over them but with his current body, he was only holding them back. He kept chanting in his head, only 15 more pounds and you’ll finally be attractive. He thought of the fans and how much they’d love him if he was thinner, handsome even. How maybe, just maybe he’d become even popular than some of the members.That drove him further. He had to keep going, dancing, singing, working, not only for the fans but all of Exo.  
He’d drinken 5 cups of water and eat only three crackers. 20 calories in each cracker, 60 calories in total for the day. With the ongoing practices, he could feel his body slowly losing weight as he worked off all the calories. The number on the scale had slowly been going down over the last month or so but he hadn’t lost enough. He was so close, his goal was in sight and he wasn’t about to stop now, not when everyone was counting on him. Not when so many fans were looking forward to him being attractive, like the rest of Exo.  
“Kyungsoo!” Kyungsoo lifted his upper body up to look at Junmyeon.  
He hesitated for a moment, “Yes?”  
“We’re starting now. Pay attention.” He’d fucked up yet again. The music began playing and Kyungsoo began moving through the steps.  
Kyungsoo’s mind raced as he tried to keep up with the other members. Junmyeon was probably angry at him, he probably wouldn’t talk to him for days. He was such a disappointment, why couldn’t he just get things right, he couldn’t dance, he could sing. That was the only reason he’s in Exo. He wasn’t handsome like the other members, he only had his voice, they knew that and the fans knew that. However, Baekhyun’s vocals were just as strong as his, if not better, if he were to leave Exo it would be like he had never been there in the first place. Baekhyun would take his place, the fans would probably be so grateful to get someone as ugly as him away from the rest of the members. His members would be so happy too if he just-  
“Kyungsoo!” He froze, he’d done it again hadn’t he, “You’re off beat.” Junmyeon sighed, “Let’s go again.” He’d had done it yet again, he’d held everyone back. He was such a failure, how long would it be until the boys grew sick of him, till all the fans hated him rather than simply tolerating him, how long till the members finally realized he wasn’t worth all of the trouble until he was kicked out?  
The song started again and Kyungsoo began to move once more. The pain in his chest growing with every passing second. The burning hunger becoming more unbearable with each beat. He didn’t want to but he had to stop and suddenly he was frozen to his spot. The music cut off second later.  
“Kyungsoo, what are you doing?” Junmyeon yelled turning towards him.  
Kyungsoo felt dizzy, his stomach was hurting an unreal amount. Black dotted his eyesight as he struggled to keep upright.  
“Are you okay, Kyungsoo?” He couldn’t recognize the voice, he knew it was one of the members but his mind was too hazy, his thoughts too obscured to know which one. He could vaguely make out a hand on his shoulder, but with the growing distortion of the world, it simply felt as if a ghost was touching him.  
“I’m fine,” He managed to mutter, “Just restart the song.”  
“We’re not going to restart the song Kyungsoo, you’re obviously sick.” Another voice spoke, Kyungsoo couldn’t place this one either. It was beginning to bug him.  
“No, no, really I’m fine.” Speaking was difficult, his vision kept growing increasingly darker, black specks slowly taking over his vision but he ignored it. He couldn’t stop, he had to keep going, he couldn’t delay practice, he couldn’t let the boys all suffer at his expense, “I promise I’m fi-,” And suddenly Kyungsoo could feel his body go limp as the world went black.  
_____

“Kyungsoo! Kyungsoo!” Kyungsoo slowly opened his eyes, he could feel a hand quickly patting his cheek in an attempt to awaken him. He looked up. His eyes landed on Jongin’s worried face. He was being held by him who had wrapped him tight in his muscular arms, Kyungsoo’s head forced against his firm chest. If Kyungsoo had the energy he would have been blushing. The other members crouched down around him looking intensely at him, concern on their faces.  
“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo whispered. He struggled to keep from crying, “I’m so sorry.” He spoke louder this time. His throat closed painfully at the attempt to keep from crying but it was a failure, tears rushed down his cheeks.  
“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol spoke, “What happened? Why did you keep going?”  
“I’m so sorry.” he said again.  
“Soo, why are you sorry you’re the one who passed out, I should be sorry for continuing to push you.” Junmyeon spoke, “But why didn’t you say anything?”  
“I’m sorry,” He hiccuped, “I know I’m stopping practice, I’m so sorry.” Tears continued to fall rapidly.  
“What are you talking about Soo?” Baekhyun whispered, grabbing his hand, “Screw practice, you’re sick.”  
“No!” Kyungsoo yelled sitting up too quickly making him light headed once again. Pushing Jongin’s arms off of him, his tears stopping abruptly as he tried to find the words. Kyungsoo’s voice was soft as he spoke. “I can’t hold you guys back, I can go to the dorm and you all can keep practicing. You guys can’t stop improving just because I did something stupid.”  
“Kyungsoo, I know you’re upset for push yourself but-” Junmyeon started.  
“Of course I should push myself,” Kyungsoo spoke louder this time, Baekhyun squeezed his hand. “I shouldn’t have passed out, if I had kept going it would have been fine, but I didn’t.” The hunger was slowly creeping back to Kyungsoo, just as strong as before. It was taking over his mind as he desperately tried to ignore it.  
“Soo,” This time it was Jongin who spoke, “What are you talking about? How do you expect us to keep going when you are suffering like this?”  
Kyungsoo sighed, “I’m not suffering you guys are.”  
The members looked at him confused, “How exactly are we suffering Kyungsoo?” Sehun asked, his voice on edge as if he knew the answer that was coming. As if he could tell just how much Kyungsoo was hating himself.  
Kyungsoo let out a short laugh, “It’s obvious isn’t it?” He looked around at all of the members, their expressions the same as before, Kyungsoo paused pulling his hand away from Baekhyun, “You have to be in a group with me.” The room went deathly silent as the members absorbed the words just spoken. Several emotions played across all 11 boys faces, confusion, to sadness, then finally anger.  
“What the fuck are you saying?” Kris yelled, rage seeping from his voice. Kyungsoo flinched.  
“I know that Exo would be better without be-”  
“Don’t you dare say that.” Jongin growled, “How could we, how could I, even function without you? You’re an important part of this team, no this family.”  
“Kyungsoo,” Yixing spoke his voice a comforting contrast to the two boys who had just spoken, “When we say “We are one” we mean it, you’re a part of us. You don’t hold us back, you move us forward.”  
“He’s right, I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Jongin, “Without you who would cook for me, or watch movies with me, or cuddle with me when I’m cold? Who would make me smile whenever I’m not feeling my best? Who could be there for me like you are?”  
Kyungsoo looked at him in shock, “Those things don’t bother you?”  
“Bother me? Why would they ever bother me?”  
“Because, well, because I’m gross.”  
Jongin grabbed both of his hands with his own larger ones wrapping firmly around them, “Don’t you ever say that again. You’re perfect, okay. That’s why, well that’s why,” Jongin stammered, the words not fully coming out.  
“That’s why what?” Kyungsoo asked.  
“That’s why you’re my best friend.” Jongin finally spoke. Kyungsoo nodded, best friend, Kyungsoo thought solemnly, of course, what else? Kyungsoo yelled at himself for getting his hopes up, Jongin would never look at him that way, Jongin would never love him like how he does. Jongin could say he was perfect but he knew that was a lie, he knew the truth, that he was nowhere near perfect, near attractive even. Most of all, the thing Kyungsoo could never change, was that Kyungsoo was a boy. A fact that would never let Jongin look at him, a fact that would forever keep him stuck as just a friend.  
Baekhyun sighed loudly, “Man you guys are still chasing circles around each other?”  
Kyungsoo looked at him “What do you mean?” Kyungsoo asked.  
“Nothing,” Baekhyun sighed again, “Let’s just go home, okay Soo?”  
Kyungsoo nodded, “Let’s go home.”  
_____

The members, mostly Jongin, refused to let Kyungsoo walk home after his fainting spell, forcing him to give him ride on Jongin’s back. He could hear his heart thumping in his chest and he tried desperately not to focus on the heat emitting from Jongin’s back onto his chest.  
“I’m sorry I’m so heavy,” Kyungsoo whispered in his ear.  
Jongin laughed, “I thought we talked about this earlier? You’re extremely light Kyungsoo.”  
Kyungsoo smiled to himself, burying his face in the back of Jongin’s back, slowly inhaling his scent. He didn’t know when he’d have this opportunity again, the chance to be slow close to Jongin without the taller questioning it.  
The trip back to the dorm never seemed shorter than he’d ever experienced in the entire time Kyungsoo had been living there. Before he knew it Jongin was sitting him down on the couch and turning around to face him.  
“Soo, you’re shoes are still on I’ll take them off for you, okay?” He smiled.  
Kyungsoo panicked, “No, you don’t have to do that.” But it was too late Jongin was already untying his shoelaces before slowly sliding his first shoe off. “I’m sorry if they smell…”  
Jongin chuckled, “We live in a dorm with 10 other boys Soo, this is nothing. Even if the did smell, which they surprisingly don’t, they couldn’t smell much worse than me right now.”  
Kyungsoo frowned, “You don’t smell bad.”  
Jongin looked up at him as he pulled the other shoe off, “Kyungie, you don’t have to go light on me, I’m covered in sweat right now.”  
“Even sweaty you smell nice.” Kyungsoo blushed, he’d slipped up. Jongin looked down and Kyungsoo could faintly see a smile playing on his lips.  
“Soo,” Jongin said looking back up, “You really shouldn’t say things like that to me.”  
“Sorry,” Kyungsoo spoke quietly.  
Jongin looked straight into his eyes, softly taking Kyungsoo’s hand, “It makes me too flustered when you say stuff like that.”  
Kyungsoo’s face heated up, his heart was beating rapidly in his chest. Suddenly the hunger in his stomach was replaced with butterflies as he looked into Jongin’s brown eyes. Never before had Kyungsoo been more conscious of his hand in his life.  
“Kyungsoo,” He pulled his hand away quickly as he heard Baekhyun call his name from behind, “You get in the shower first okay?”  
He turned around to look at him “Okay!”  
“Woah, Woah, Woah, you just passed out no way you’re getting in the shower now,” Jongin argued.  
“Fine then,” Baekhyun countered, “You get in with him.”  
Kyungsoo's face went red as he thought of that situation, Jongin would then surely know his feelings then.  
“No way,” Jongin replied. Of course, Kyungsoo thought, why would Jongin ever want to do that.  
“Okay,” Kyungsoo could see a smirk form on Baekhyun’s mouth, “I’m sure Sehun would be willing to do it.”  
“No!” Jongin yelled, his eyes quickly flashed from Kyungsoo back to Baekhyun, “I’ll shower with him it’s fine.”  
“Jongin you really don’t-”  
“No Soo, it’s final,” He interrupted, “You can’t just shower alone.”  
“Then why can’t I shower with Sehun?”  
“Because,” Jongin paused, “Because I know you better than Sehun and because that’s just the way it is.”  
Kyungsoo looked at him, confused, “But I really don’t get-”  
“Oh my god Soo,” Baekhyun cut in, “Just go get in the shower already, the rest of us can’t go until you get out.”  
Kyungsoo nodded. He watched as Jongin stood up in front of him before sticking his hand out for Kyungsoo to grab.  
“Let’s go then Soo.” And Kyungsoo slowly took his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this so far buy me a coffee: https://ko-fi.com/justakpoprose


	6. Chapter 6

Jongin was regretting every decision he had made up to that point. He and Kyungsoo hadn’t been in the bathroom for two seconds and he was already suffering. They’re still fully clothed but that didn’t help when Jongin knew in a few short moments the wouldn’t be. His mind was racing, he couldn’t exactly no look at Kyungsoo while they stood in front of each other in a shower. Baekhyun had probably planned this, just to make Jongin suffer. It sounded like a very Baekhyun thing to do.  
His eyes wandered over Kyungsoo’s body as he turned on the water, putting his hand under to check the temperature. Jongin was going to see him soon, naked and wet. Jongin was prepared to die. He was sure he wouldn’t be able to control his body, his mind, of course, he could. He would never do something awful like that, but certain parts of him body may not comply with his request to not get turned on. No, he was pretty much positive they wouldn’t but he had to. Kyungsoo had just fainted, he couldn’t just let him shower by himself risking him getting hurt and he most definitely not letting Sehun anywhere near Kyungsoo naked.  
“Jongin,” Kyungsoo spoke weakly, grabbing the end of his shirt, fiddling with the hem, “You really don’t have to do this.” God, he was so cute.  
“No, it’s okay Soo, I’m not just going to let you shower by yourself. Not after you just fainted.”  
Kyungsoo nodded his head, “If you’re sure.”  
Jongin smiled, trying to hide his blush, “I guess so.” Neither of them moved, Jongin coughed awkwardly before reaching and dragging his shirt over the top of his head. He looked towards Kyungsoo who simply stared at his shirtless torso. Jongin looked at him questioningly, “Soo?”  
“Oh, right.” Kyungsoo moved to take his shirt off, Jongin’s heart was doing backflips, then he stopped, “Don’t… Say anything, ok?”  
Jongin looked at him confused, he started to speak but was cut off by Kyungsoo finally removing his top off. Jongin had seen Kyungsoo shirtless before, a product of being an idol and living together but something about this was different. Kyungsoo looked so soft and warm, Jongin felt the strong urge to trace each of his curves with the palms of his hands.  
Jongin coughed again, Kyungsoo moved to take off his track shorts, Jongin followed the action doing the same with his sweatpants, pulling them and his underwear down at the same time. He tried to ignore the growing embarrassment. Jongin looked again at Kyungsoo, now completely naked, he was struggling. Kyungsoo turned entering the shower and Jongin followed.  
The water felt hotter than normal. His eyes slowly followed the water droplets as they traveled down Kyungsoo’s back onto his plump bottom. Kyungsoo slowly turned around, his wet hair had been pushed out of his face, he looked at Jongin, eyes wide head tilted slightly to the side. Jongin’s heart was in overdrive.  
“Jongin?” He heard Kyungsoo ask.  
“Yes?” He managed to reply.  
“Can you hand me the shampoo?”  
Jongin nodded, turning to the side to hand it to him before stopping, “I’ll do it for you.”  
“Are you sure?”  
Jongin nodded, “Of course.  
Kyungsoo turned back around. Jongin squeezed the shampoo onto his hands, slowly beginning to massage Kyungsoo’s scalp. He heard the smaller boy sigh in pleasure. Jongin’s heart jumped. He wanted to hear that again, Kyungsoo was so cute. He started moving his hands slower and harder. Kyungsoo quietly moaned, Jongin’s hands froze.  
“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo squeaked.  
“It’s fine,” Jongin forced out.  
He pulled Kyungsoo under the shower head washing all of the soap out. His mind kept replaying Kyungsoo’s soft moan. He wanted to hear that again, then he remembered, he had discovered last night how sensitive Kyungsoo’s neck is. He smirked to himself.  
“Here Soo, let me wash your back too.”  
He nodded his head, “Okay.”  
Jongin bit his lip looking the boy up and down, he pumped soap onto his hand. He softly rubbed his hands over the expanse of Kyungsoo’s small back, gradually moving his hands upward before they landed on his shoulders. He massaged his hands into Kyungsoo’s neck. Kyungsoo moaned again.  
“Jongin,” He whined, “What are you doing?”  
Jongin was losing his mind, “God, I can’t handle this anymore.” He spun Kyungsoo around forcing him to face him, “If I do anything you don’t like tell me and I’ll stop.”  
And with that, he leaned now allowing his lips to place a soft kiss on Kyungsoo’s lips. He had thought about kissing Kyungsoo several times but they weren’t as good as it actually was. His lips were soft and plush just like the rest of him. Jongin couldn’t stop, not when he had just started. He pressed another kiss then another. He grabbed of Kyungsoo’s hands placing them on his shoulders. One of his own hands gripped the back of Kyungsoo’s head, pushing him further into the kiss, the other wrapped itself around Kyungsoo’s body, making their bodies touch fully. He could feel Kyungsoo becoming erect, the grip on his shoulders tightening.  
“Jongin,” Kyungsoo moaned into his lips. Kyungsoo was intoxicating from his voice to his body, everything about him was perfect. Jongin’s hand traveled down Kyungsoo’s back, making it’s way to his ass. He slowly squeezed making Kyungsoo suck in air, separating their lips. Jongin moved his lips’ attention, kissing across Kyungsoo’s cheek, making their way down onto Kyungsoo’s neck. Kyungsoo moved his head, giving Jongin better access. Jongin kissed at the sensitive skin, sucking slightly. Kyungsoo was breathing heavy, one of his hands still squeezing down on Jongin’s shoulder, the other entangled in Jongin’s hair pulling lightly. Jongin bit down on his skin and Kyungsoo’s grip on his hair tightened. Jongin pulled away watching Kyungsoo’s face of pure bliss. He smirked with pride, he’d just done that.  
Kyungsoo let out a whine, “Don’t stop, please.”  
Jongin kissed his lip passionately, “Not here.” He whispered, Let’s go back to our room, okay?”  
Kyungsoo shook his head rapidly, reaching his hand behind him blindly looking for the knob, he successfully found it, turning the water off. “Let’s go now.”  
Jongin quickly grabbed two towels off the rack, handing one to Kyungsoo and tying the other one around his own waist. He grabbed Kyungsoo’s hand pulling him out of the room, rushing into their bedroom.  
He smiled looking at Kyungsoo’s still wet boy. He walked towards him, bringing their lips into contact. They kept backing up until they hit the bed. Jongin slowly pushed Kyungsoo down, keeping their lips together. His bit slightly on Kyungsoo’s bottom lip. The boy gasped giving Jongin’s tongue an opportunity to easily slide in. He pulled away looking down at Kyungsoo. His lips were a nice red, swollen from Jongin’s kisses. Jongin traveled a hand up Kyungsoo’s chest.  
“So beautiful,” Jongin mumbled. Kyungsoo blushed, burying his eyes in his hands. Jongin quickly moved them, pinning them above him on the bed. He leaned down firmly looking Kyungsoo in the eyes, “I want you to look at me, the entire time, okay?” Kyungsoo nodded quickly, “Good boy.” Kyungsoo bit his lip.  
Jongin unwrapped the towel around Kyungsoo's waist, throwing it to the side and then quickly did the same with his own. He buried his head into Kyungsoo’s neck sucking and biting, Kyungsoo’s moans were slowly escalating. Jongin was in Heaven. He moved down biting on his collar bone, leaving small bruises in his wake. He started moving downward but felt Kyungsoo's hands softly push him away.  
He moved back up to look him in the eyes, “What’s wrong?” He asked concerned.  
Kyungsoo looked at him timidly, “Are you sure you want to do this with me.”  
Jongin looked at him not speaking for a moment, “I’ve never been surer of anything in my life.” Kyungsoo blushed harder, turning his head away to avoid eye contact. “I thought I said to look at me?” Kyungsoo's head snapped back. Jongin turned his head, laughed quietly. He turned his head back, his face going serious, “Now let’s continue.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this so far buy me a coffee: https://ko-fi.com/justakpoprose


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only the 2nd time I've written smut in my entire life so if it's shitty I apologize.

Kyungsoo is extremely confused at the moment. With Jongin kissing down his neck he can’t seem to think correctly. He can’t help but wonder why Jongin keeps giving him kisses and why everytime he pulls away he looks at him like he’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. As Kyungsoo’s mind begins to slip into the abyss of his thoughts Jongin kisses him again. Sweet kisses were lost somewhere, leaving heated passionate ones. Jongin was better at kissing that Kyungsoo ever imagined he would be, lips soft and inviting, tongue hot and smooth against his own.  
Kyungsoo can feel hard length against his own, the minimum amount of friction between the two driving Kyungsoo insane. Kyungsoo wraps his legs around Jongin’s, pushing his back off the bed, rutting up against him. Jongin stops kissing his neck, pulling back to look at Kyungsoo who’s eyes are now closed in frustration. Jongin smirks pushing Kyungsoo’s arched hips back down onto the bed. Kyungsoo lets out a whine opening his eyes, pouting up at Jongin. Jongin’s aura screams dominance and while normally Kyungsoo’s pouts would work like magic, Jongin is completely immune.  
Jongin leans down letting Kyungsoo feel his breath against his ear, “Kyungsoo,” He whispers, voice deep and rough, “Did I say you could do that?” Kyungsoo shakes his head. He’s not used to Jongin acting so assertive and it makes his blood pump faster. “Be a good boy and let me handle everything, okay?” Kyungsoo nods his head quickly. Jongin lets out a short laugh, biting down gently on Kyungsoo’s earlobe, pulling slightly as he comes back up.  
Jongin’s hands move down the sides of Kyungsoo’s torso. He grabs one of Kyungsoo’s legs that is still wrapped around him. Jongin makes short kisses down Kyungsoo’s calves, moving slowly until he’s kissing the inside of Kyungsoo’s thigh. He can feel Jongin biting and suck at his sensitive skin, he tries to stifle a moan but horribly fails, calling out Jongin’s name loudly.  
Jongin smiles against his skin, “Do you like me teasing you?”  
“J-Jongin, please,” Kyungsoo pleads, desperate for Jongin to satisfy him.  
“Please what?” Jongin asks, teasing.  
The blush on Kyungsoo’s face deepens, “Please,” He hesitates, “Please fuck me Jongin.”  
Jongin looks satisfied, biting one last time at Kyungsoo’s thigh, pulling the skin lightly as he pulls away, “We’ll see.”  
“Jongin,” Kyungsoo whines.  
Jongin ignores him, moving both of Kyungsoo’s legs over his shoulders. He leans down against his length, rubbing his nose along the base before giving slow kitten licks to the skin. Kyungsoo mewls in pleasure, fighting the urge to rock his hips against him. Then Jongin moves, making Kyungsoo whine again. He travels to Kyungsoo’s hole as it waits in anticipation.  
“Ah,” Jongin says, “I wonder how you taste.”  
Kyungsoo opens his mouth to say something but is cut off by Jongin slowly and painfully dragging his tongue against his rim.  
“Just like I thought,” Jongin smirks, “Delicious.”  
Jongin continues to move agonizingly slow allowing his tongue to move in and out of Kyungsoo’s hole. He finally adds another finger moving it at the same pace. Jongin moves his face away before entering another finger. He scissors Kyungsoo open before adding another finger, beginning to pump them inside of him. Kyungsoo stings at the stretch but it quickly subsides bringing a shock wave of pleasure. His cheeks are stained red, voice cracking with Jongin’s name as he pants and moans, waiting for the boy above him to finally take him.  
Jongin pulls his fingers out, leaving Kyungsoo empty. Jongin stares into his eyes as he reaches his fingers up and slowly sucks the taste off of them. Kyungsoo can’t think. “Please.” Kyungsoo whispers, desperate.  
“I guess I can play nice now.” Jongin teases before leaning over to the bedside table and pulling out a small vial of lube.  
Kyungsoo looks at him confused, “Why do you have that?” Jongin smirks leaning down to whisper in his ear again.  
“It makes it easier to get off when I think about you.” Kyungsoo lets out a moan, “I wonder Soo, have you ever thought about me?”  
Kyungsoo nods slowly feeling Jongin smile against his ear.  
“Good, only think about me.” Kyungsoo nods obediently  
Jongin leans away, Kyungsoo’s legs still secure over his shoulders. Kyungsoo watches as he pours lube onto himself. He’s so big, bigger than Kyungsoo, just how he wanted him to be. Jongin angles himself against Kyungsoo’s hole, pushing in slowly. It stings but Kyungsoo ignores it, basking in the feeling of Jongin leaving him completely full.  
Jongin keeps pushing until his hilt meets Kyungsoo’s hips. “You’re so tight Soo,” Jongin moans, “You’re so good.”  
The praise makes Kyungsoo feel light. Jongin begins, his hips working against Kyungsoo gently. “Jongin,” Kyungsoo whines, he’s used to Jongin’s size now and is desperate for him, “Jongin please fuck me harder.”  
Jongin looks into Kyungsoo’s eyes through the stray hairs that have fallen into his eyes. He pants heavily, pushing them up to reveal his forehead. Jongin speaks, voice full of pride, face cocky with the newly presented knowledge. “You really like my dick being inside of you, huh?”  
“Jongin,” Kyungsoo whimpers, eyes beginning to water at the agonizing pace, “Please, harder.”  
“Since you’ve been such a good boy, I will.” He speaks before pulling his hips back, almost pulling out before ramming back inside of him. Kyungsoo quietly screams in pleasure, his senses being overloaded. Jongin rocks into Kyungsoo at a wild pace, hand gripping his thigh for leverage.  
“Look at you,” Jongin moans out, “So good, taking all of me so well.” Kyungsoo moans at his praises. Jongin moves slightly inside of him hitting his prostate sending pleasure soaring through Kyungsoo’s body. Kyungsoo moans bounce off the walls with each of Jongin’s thrust into him.  
Kyungsoo can feel bruises beginning to form on this thigh and hip from Jongin’s tight grip. He finds a weird sense of pleasure in knowing that Jongin is leaving a mark on him, although not permanent but just as good. His mind is rapidly deteriorating as pleasure takes over his thoughts, seeping into each corner of his brain. He no longer cares about his surroundings as Jongin continues to move rapidly, hitting his sweet spot with each and every thrust.  
Kyungsoo moves his hand down to pump his cock but before he can reach it to pleasure himself Jongin’s hand grabs his wrist, trapping it against the bed.  
“No touching, only I can make you come.” Kyungsoo moves his hand obediently gripping the bed sheets tightly in an attempt to ignore the growing temptation. Jongin moves against him roughly leaving Kyungsoo on the edge.  
“J-Jongin.”  
“Yes, baby?” He replies.  
“I-I’m going to come.”  
Jongin smirks, “You like my dick that much that you can come untouched?”  
“You feel so good.” Kyungsoo moans.  
“Then come for me, baby,” Jongin whispers roughly. That’s all it take for Kyungsoo to fully fall over the ledge. Thick ropes of cum shooting across him and Jongin’s chest. “I’m close too Soo.” Jongin moves to pull out but before he can fully pull out Kyungsoo grabs at his hand pulling him back.  
“Come in me Jongin, I want you to fill me up.” He whines, his voice cracking as the high from his orgasm slowly falls.  
“God, you’re so sexy Soo,” And with that Jongin groans deep and loud, spilling his load into Kyungsoo. He pants heavily, pulling out causing Kyungsoo to whine at the emptiness. “One-second baby, I need to clean you up.” Kyungsoo nods, eyes following Jongin as he takes tissues out of the box and carefully cleaning the drying come off of Kyungsoo and his chest. He quickly tosses them in the trash, throwing his body onto the bed next to Kyungsoo.  
“You were so good, Soo.” Jongin praises pulling the covers over both of them, wrapping his arms tightly around the smaller boy. Peppering kisses along his cheek and jaw, turning Kyungsoo’s face to place a soft loving kiss against his lips.  
“Jongin,” Kyungsoo whispers, moving his body to face Jongin, “I love you.”  
Jongin smiles, face beaming with happiness, “I love you too.” Kyungsoo blushes burying his head into Jongin’s chest. “I wish I’d known sooner, we could have been doing this for months.  
“Shut up,” Kyungsoo says, his voice muffled by Jongin’s chest making the taller chuckle. “But,” Kyungsoo starts looking back up, staring into Jongin’s eyes, “I don’t get why you’d love me.”  
Jongin’s eyes harden, “Soo, how could I not love you?”  
“It’s just…” Kyungsoo stops for a moment. He can’t let Jongin know. Jongin can’t know what he’s doing, how little he’s eaten in months. He can’t have him stop him, not when he was so close to his goal, not when he was so close to gaining his fan’s love. No, he couldn’t say anything. “I thought you were straight.” Kyungsoo finally speaks.  
Jongin pulls Kyungsoo further into him, burying his head into Kyungsoo’s neck, “Well, obviously I’m not.”  
Kyungsoo smiles lightly, Jongin loved him. Jongin actually loved him. All of those times he had dreamed of Jongin telling him those three words had finally happened and he wasn’t dreaming. Kyungsoo’s smile faltered. All the more reason for him to lose weight, for him to be beautiful so Jongin wouldn’t leave him. So Jongin wouldn’t look at him one day with the same eyes Kyungsoo looked at himself with. He had to keep going so Jongin wouldn’t stop loving him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this so far buy me a coffee: https://ko-fi.com/justakpoprose


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slight warning I didn't have time to proof read this... Also, I've had writer's block so that's where I've been.

Kyungsoo awoke to the burning sensation of hunger. He turned in bed, his body sore, aching as he moved. Although he’d slept for almost nine hours fatigued still overcame him. He changed his focus onto the heat of Jongin’s firm arms as he laid snug in the taller’s arms. He looked up at Jongin’s sleeping face, he looked so peaceful, so content. How he could ever spare a look at Kyungsoo was a mystery to him but he gladly embraced it.  
Kyungsoo could tell by the increased movements outside that it would soon be time for the two of them to leave the safety and isolation of their shared room and see the rest of the members. Kyungsoo had to face reality, sit in the room with the 10 other boys and face whatever reaction they may have. They would most likely be disgusted. Not with the fact that they were both men but with the fact that Kyungsoo, the ugliest member, had somehow managed to win over Jongin, the most attractive member. He could picture the look on their faces now. It would probably be the breaking point for them, the point in which they all unanimously decided Kyungsoo should leave the group. To finally allow EXO to rise to its full potential without him pulling it down.  
Kyungsoo buried himself in Jongin’s chest, ignoring, or at least trying to ignore, the current situation as it hurried towards him. He felt Jongin stir into consciousness beside him. He yawned, tightening his grip around Kyungsoo.  
“Morning,” he whispered, his voice rough from sleep. “How long have you been awake.”  
Kyungsoo wrapped his own arms around Jongin, “Just a few minutes, don’t worry.”  
Jongin hummed in response, pressing a delicate kiss to the top of Kyungsoo’s head before laying his chin atop it, “If only I’d woken up sooner.”  
Kyungsoo moved away, looking up at him in confusion, “Why?”  
Jongin smirked, “Then we could’ve had a bit of a repeat of last night.”  
Kyungsoo blushed violently, “Jongin,” he whined.  
He chuckled, pressing a quick peck to Kyungsoo’s lips, “Let’s get ready, ok?”  
Kyungsoo shook his head, pouting, “Can’t we stay in bed a bit longer?”  
Jongin sighed, “When you look at me like that I can’t say no.” He tightened his hold around Kyungsoo once more, making him smile contently.  
He didn’t want to get up, he didn’t want to leave Jongin’s arms and look at himself in the mirror again, he didn’t want to see all his flaws that stood out so completely. To further remind himself of all the reasons why he shouldn’t be in the position he was currently in. To find some new reason to hate himself, a new thing to be worried that Jongin will possibly notice. Kyungsoo tightened his grip. He couldn’t lose Jongin, not when they just started. He couldn’t let him see how flawed, how utterly gross he was. He had to move forward, he had to keep pushing himself to something even remotely close to perfection.  
“Kyungsoo, Jongin!” he heard Junmyeon call, “Hurry up and come eat!”  
Jongin sighed, “Why do all good things have to come to an end?” Kyungsoo chuckled lightly. “Soo,” he spoke softly, making the smaller look up to meet his gaze. He gave Jongin a questioning look. “I love you.”  
Kyungsoo blushed, “I love you too.” he whispered before Jongin once again capture his lips with his own.

After quickly getting dressed Kyungsoo followed Jongin out of the safety and comfort of their shared room into the uncertainty of the dorm. He held his breath as they entered the kitchen, the other 10 members sat in their seats already starting on their meal, few looked up at them.  
“Ah look who it is,” Baekhyun teased. Kyungsoo tensed at the acknowledgment of their presence preparing himself for the words that would follow. “I’m glad you guys finally fucked, don’t get me wrong, but next time Jongin, please don’t make Kyungsoo moan so loud. My room is right next to your’s and I could hear everything”  
“My room is two doors down and I could hear everything,” Jongdae added. Kyungsoo and Jongin blushed.  
“Thank god they finally got it on though,” Luhan spoke in between bites of food, “I was getting tired of them being so painfully oblivious.”  
“You got that right,” Jongdae sighed, “I was going to scream if I had to watch Jongin eye fuck Kyungsoo when he wasn’t looking every single time he wore shorts to dance practice.”  
Jongin scratched the back of his neck, “Can you really blame me though? Have you seen Kyungsoo’s thighs?” Kyungsoo buried his face into his hands in a desperate effort to shield himself.  
Kris laughed, “No, not really. Can you guys hurry up and sit down though? Having you two be the only ones standing makes me anxious.” Jongin nodded chuckling before grabbing hold of Kyungsoo’s hand, dragging him to the table then promptly sitting him down in the seat next to his own, two rice bowls already set in place before them.  
“Since you weren’t doing so good yesterday during practice make sure you eat a lot today, Soo” Jongin smiled sweetly at him, making his heart jump in his chest.  
He looked down at the bowl of rice in front of him, his eyes steadily moving to the rest of the food laid out on the table. He felt his blood run cold. He couldn’t avoid it, all the members were watching him, he had no excuse to eat, they knew he hadn’t after practice if he didn’t now they’d know something was off.  
Kyungsoo slowly lifted his chopsticks, bringing the rice to his mouth at a desperately slow rate. He took a bite stifling the urge to immediately spit it back out. He chewed at a lethargic pace, swallowing only after the rice had turned into a tasteless paste inside his mouth. He reluctantly picked up another bite. He could feel the rice travel down his throat into his stomach, being turned into fat, setting him back in progress. He hated this. Not just having to eat but having to eat in front of the boys, allowing them to see him for the pig he is.  
“Soo,” Yixing called for his attention softly, “Are you still not feeling well?”  
Kyungsoo shook his head, “No, I’m fine.” That was a lie but no one needed to know the truth.  
“Are you sure? You’ve only eaten one bite in the last three minutes.” Kyungsoo could feel his hands start to shake nervously. He put his chopsticks down, clasping both hands under the table in an attempt to end their constant movement.  
Kyungsoo forced a laugh, “I’m just not hungry that’s all.”  
The boys turned to look at him, confused with an underlying suspicion, “But you barely ate anything yesterday…” Yixing remarked.  
He tightened the grip on his hands, smiling, “My appetite has been fairly small recently.”  
“Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon spoke, laying his chopsticks back on the table, “You’ve been eating right?”  
Kyungsoo looked at him, hesitantly meeting the leader’s eyes, “What are you talking about?” he asked cautiously.  
“Kyungsoo,” Jongin jumped in, voice firm in worry, “Have you been starving yourself?”  
He turned to look at the boy next to him, “No,” he lied, relieved at the steadiness of his own voice, “I just haven’t been very hungry lately.”  
“People who aren’t very hungry don’t just pass out Soo.” Jongin countered.  
Kyungsoo looked around the table, all eyes were on him. He could feel their stares burn through him to his core, they couldn’t figure it out, they couldn’t. They’d be even more disgusted with him than they already were, Jongin would be disgusted. He would finally look at Kyungsoo in the way he’d only had nightmares about.  
Tears welled in his eyes, he was cornered, there was nowhere to go as his fellow members followed his every movement with steady, firm eyes. He didn’t know what to do, he was stuck, vulnerable in the sudden attack waged against him. This was it, this was how it all ended. They would find out and he’d be kicked from the group, or worse he’d stay having to deal with the admonishment and constant hatred of the members as they regretted debuting with someone so screwed up.  
Tears ran rapidly down Kyungsoo’s cheeks, “I’m sorry,” he croaked.  
Jongin’s eyes turned downward in worry, face falling soft, “Soo, what are you sorry for?”  
Kyungsoo wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, the salty taste of tears staining his lips, “I know I’m ugly, I just,” he hiccuped, “I just.” He couldn’t bring himself to say it. To say he only wanted to no longer bring the group down. That he just wanted to be attractive so when he looked at pictures of the 12 of them together he wouldn’t immediately stand out as the one who didn’t fit. That he could finally make the fans happy and maybe, just maybe, he could gain new fans as the rest of them did. But he didn’t say that he kept quiet, words refusing to leave his mouth, only small hiccuping sounds.  
Jongin grabbed both of his shoulders, pulling the small boy into his chest, “Soo, I’m so sorry.” He was crying too. “I’m so sorry, I should have noticed, I’m such an idiot, I’m so sorry.”  
Kyungsoo’s heart constricted in pain, heavy with guilt. It wasn’t Jongin’s fault, it was his own for being born so far from perfect, for being a failure of a human being but he yet again found himself unable to speak.  
“Soo,” he heard Junmyeon speak softly from behind him, ‘“You have nothing to be sorry about, you’re sick and we’re going to get you help, I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm actually leaving today for a road trip and have no idea when the next time I'll be able to update is. I should be back in 10 days from the trip so at the most y'all will be waiting about 15 days for the next chapter... but we'll see.  
> If you like this so far buy me a coffee: https://ko-fi.com/justakpoprose


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty short but mostly fluff so I hope you like it! Also I didn't proof read this so...

“Kyungsoo,” He looked up at the woman sitting across from him, her faced cold, desperation encompassing her deep brown eyes. She let out a sigh, her face letting out tension, her few wrinkles deepening with the exhale. Kyungsoo had meant to ask her age, she looked to be in her mind 40’s but he had been wrong before. Her thick black hair framed her face, sitting heavily on her shoulders, every once in awhile she would flick it away in frustration. “Kyungsoo,” she repeated, effectively snapping the boy out of his trance.  
“Yes?”  
Mrs. Kim sighed again, “Kyungsoo, this is the third time we’ve met and we still have barely made way through the introductory stage.” Kyungsoo nodded, “Even though I have told your company several times the correct course of action is hospitalization, they seem to not want to listen. I understand of course that this can’t become public therefore you can’t be but,” she paused for a moment, eyes wondering as she sorted out her thoughts, “But you still need help and that’s what I’m here for. These weekly trips I make to your dorm don’t seem to be helping you open up, I’m backed into a corner here Kyungsoo.”  
“It’s just,” he began, trying to avoid the older woman’s curious eyes, “I don’t want to burden another person.”  
“Kyungsoo, asking for help, especially right now when you need it most, isn’t being a burden, it’s being human.”

Kyungsoo looked at her, “Being human is exhausting.”

She smiled softly at him, “I know,” she replied, voice gentle, “But it’s worth it when in those rare times it isn’t.”  
Therapy had been required by the company when they ultimately found out about him. Although none of the boys came forward when he asked who had told he had a sneaking suspicion they had all played a part in it. Kyungsoo wasn’t mad at them, he knew they were only looking out for him, trying to take care of him but he didn’t feel all that cared for at the moment.  
-  
Jongin hugged him as he and the rest of the members returned home. They always found a reason to leave the dorm before his appointment started, a way of giving him some privacy. He hated it. Him being yet another problem for them, another issue they had to find away around. He sunk into the warmth of Jongin’s firm arms. He sighed in relief.  
“Hey Soo,” Jongin whispered, “How was it today?”  
Kyungsoo nodded his head against his chest, “It was good.”  
Jongin leaned into Kyungsoo, their cheeks touching, the upward curve of Jongin’s mouth against his warm skin. His breath hitched for a moment, “I’m glad, I love you.”  
Kyungsoo now found himself smiling, “I love you too.”  
“Hey, love birds!” Jongdae yelled teasingly, “It’s time to eat!”  
All happiness Kyungsoo had been feeling left him, it was now time for his least favorite part, the one he couldn’t get out of. Where all 12 of them sat together and ate, the other 11 keeping a close eye on his plate with each and every bite. He hated it. He hated the feeling of food running down his throat, eventually landing in his stomach and adding weight. Thankfully it was the only meal in which they all ate together which meant he could get away with not eating for the rest of the day but it wasn’t enough.  
Late into the night when all the other boys fell asleep he would quietly pull himself out of Jongin’s arms, tip toeing to the bathroom where the scale lay, thrown off to the side. He watched the numbers slowly climb with each day, with each full meal he was forced to eat. He could see the little fat he’s lost steadily find its way onto his body as he racked his eyes over his mirrored figure.  
He forced another spoonful of food, trying to ignore the members content gazes with each bite. He ate slowly, hoping the others would grow tired of waiting and leave before he had to finish the entire serving they gave him. They caught onto this technique very quickly, instead slowing their own pace to match him. He was trapped. Forced to eat everything.  
Again, he wasn't mad at them, annoyed, yes, but not angry. He knew they thought this was best, making him eat but he only wanted to vomit, his body slowly building an intolerance to all foods, beginning to reject each and every calorie he forced down his body to appease the other members.  
He didn’t understand why he had to be born like this, so imperfect. Why he had to look into the mirror and only find flaws whereas others saw the strengths in themselves. Why his body despised him so greatly that during those late night trips to the scale he found himself leaning over the toilet, his body unsuccessfully trying to force every inch of food out of him. But he still gained weight. He just wanted to be thin and attractive, he just wanted to reach that goal that goal that had once been so close, just within his fingertips, the dream that was drifting further and further away, killing him.  
He took another bite, stifling a gag. How long would it take Jongin to get tired of him? To get tired of his gross body and even more disgusting brain that forced him to see everything the way he did. Sometimes he wondered why he still held on, not just to Jongin but his life in general. The group would be better without them Jongin would be better without him, no longer being anchored down to some hideous boy, free to date someone better, someone attractive. He pushed the thought to the back of his mind focusing on each bite of food he forced himself to shove into his face.  
“Kyungsoo,” Yixing began, “How was it today.”  
He paused for a moment not quite sure how to answer, they had avoided the topic of Kyungsoo’s therapy and illness so far, he’d assumed they would continue to do so as well.  
“It was fine.”  
Yixing hummed, nodding his head slowly clearly having more questions but keeping his mouth shut. He watched the older boy’s eyes flick down to his meal before quickly returning to his own.  
Kyungsoo looked back down, his meal wasn’t even halfway finished, it was going to be a long meal.  
-  
“Hey, Kyungsoo,” he turned to look at Jongin who was taking his shirt off next to his dresser, preparing for bed. Kyungsoo whipped his head back to its previous position, cheeks red.  
He coughed, “Yes?”  
“Do you think,” he jumped, feeling firm arms wrap around his hips, pulling him into Jongin’s bare chest, Jongin bent down to the smaller’s right ear, breath tickling the sensitive skin. “Maybe we could have some fun tonight?”  
Kyungsoo shivered, his mind briefly going hazy with the recollection of the night activities they had engaged in before. Then he remembered, the amount weight he had gained in such a short amount of time. The new larger fat that hung off of him that hadn’t been there before. Kyungsoo panicked.  
“Um,” he hesitated for a moment, would Jongin hate him if he said no? Would he leave him? Would he get angry, would he find someone who would say yes?  
“Soo,” Jongin spoke softly, grip tightening around him, “You’re thinking too hard for it to be a yes.”  
Kyungsoo stood still for a moment, “I’m sorry” he muttered.  
Jongin kissed the back of his neck, “What for?”  
“Well, you want to have sex and I’m letting you down.”  
Jongin pressed a gentle kiss to the back of his neck, “If you don’t want to have sex that’s fine, I still love you. I respect you, I love you more than anything, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”  
“I’m sorry, it’s just,” Jongin kissed the back of his neck again and Kyungsoo found all of the words he was about to say suddenly stuck in his throat.  
“I know,” He whispered on his throat, breathing tickling the small hairs that grew there, “And it’s ok.”  
Kyungsoo slowly turned around to look Jongin in the eyes, “Really?”  
Jongin nodded, placing a kiss on the tip of his nose, “Of course.” He leaned down kissing Kyungsoo, lips moving at a sweet, soft pace. The gentleness had Kyungsoo’s heart racing. His hands held on gently to Jongin’s sturdy shoulders. He nibbled at Kyungsoo’s bottom lip, increasing the pace, moving deeper into him before finding the right opportunity to slip his way past. Kyungsoo moaned lightly, his grip strengthening on the other boy. Jongin moved his hands up and down Kyungsoo’s back carefully forcing Kyungsoo further into him. Soon Kyungsoo found himself on his tiptoes, desperate for leverage into Jongin’s mouth.  
Jongin pulled away, leaving Kyungsoo whining. “I’m sorry,” Jongin whispered, “I know you don’t want to go any further, we should stop now.”  
Kyungsoo reluctantly nodded his head, even though his body begged for them to continue, his body played out all the possible scenarios of Jongin looking at him naked, disappointed.  
“Can we go to sleep now, Jonginnie?”  
Jongin grinned, “God you’re too cute,” Kyungsoo blushed, “Of course, let’s lay down, ok?”  
Kyungsoo nodded, already imagining the new number that would appear on the scale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this so far buy me a coffee: https://ko-fi.com/justakpoprose


	10. Not an update (Sorry)

Ok so you're probably wondering why I haven't updated in so long so I thought instead of staying silent I'd tell you guys everything that's been happening... So as you may or may not know I went on a road trip with my family that lasted 10 days and I don't have a laptop so I couldn't update during that time. To make a long story short some things happened on that trip and my dad is no longer living with us and my parents are most likely going to get a divorce. So that's been kind of a stressor, as well as the fact that school starts in 9 days for me and I have to read 2 books for my honors English class and do a bunch of these stupid notecards for them like I haven't even met this teacher yet and I hate her. She's making us read A  Farwell to Arms and Of Mice and Men which idk if y'all know this but Hemingway man everyone goes on and on about how he's a "genius" and his books are "classics" like no the man can't write why are we pretending?? And I haven't started Of Mice and Men yet so let's hope Steinbeck doesn't let me down but if this teacher likes Hemingway she probably has no idea what a good book is you know? Ok I've gotten really off topic but you guys get what I'm saying... So I'll update when I finish my work OR if I finish right before school starts then some weekend when I have time... Thank you guys for reading my story by the way! I promise this break won't last like... 3 months or something...


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, am I actually updating for once? Is the meteor going to hit soon? Is it suddenly going to snow on the equator? Who knows this very well be a sign of The Apocolypse. But in all seriousness, I'm really sorry it took me so long to update, I've got a lot on my plate, I'm my school's girl's basketball manager so some nights I don't get home till like...9-10 because of games. Then I got family stuff going down. And also, for some reason, I decided to join 3, yes 3, fic fest so that took up a lot of time, 2 of them were Kaisoo so when the name's get revealed I'll tell you all! I hope you all enjoy this chapter, I'm working on the next one right now, and if all goes well it'll be the last one.
> 
> Quick warning:  
> This chapter gets a little intense and there is a short mention of bulimia, so read at your own discretion.

Kyungsoo reluctantly opened his eyes to the sound of his alarm, eyelids heavy from sleep. He reached over hitting the stop button on his phone. He leaned back into Jongin’s arms, absorbing the warm comfort they brought.

  
“Soo,” he heard the other mutter.

  
He smiled softly. He was still drowsy, not fully there, but just awake enough to acknowledge Jongin’s grip tightening around his waist. Kyungsoo looked around the room, attempting to wake himself up. The sun was just rising, casting a blue light across the room. A sort of cool color that Kyungsoo found a sense of calmness in. If he wasn’t so tired and if he wasn’t so content in his current position he might have gotten up, watching as the sun slowly showed itself over the horizon.

  
He turned his body to stare at Jongin. His eyes were open but only partially with fatigue taking over. He was so beautiful and Kyungsoo found himself wondering for the thousandth time what the boy could possibly see in him. He brought his hands up to his face, melting when Jongin rubbed his face against his palm. Kyungsoo moved forward kissing him softly on the lips.

  
“It’s time to get up,” he whispered.

  
Jongin whined tiredly before reluctantly opening his eyes fully.

  
“Do we have to?”

  
Kyungsoo nodded. Jongin bent down, burying his face in the smaller stomach. Kyungsoo held his breath nervously as he felt Jongin shaking his head.

  
“I don’t want to!”

  
Kyungsoo chuckled, softly petting the other’s hair.

  
“We have to.”

  
Jongin let out a sound of frustration before sitting up in bed. Kyungsoo leaned up with him, rubbing his boyfriend’s arm soothingly. Jongin turned, staring at him. He moved, tightly pulling Kyungsoo into his bare chest, burying his face into the crook of the shorter’s neck, his arms engulfing him completely. Kyungsoo hugged him back, petting the back of Jongin’s hair.

  
“No one should be allowed to look this cute in the morning,” Jongin whined, his voice soft.

  
Kyungsoo took inhaled sharply through his nose. He really didn’t deserve Jongin. He couldn’t stop the sting of disappointment in the pit of his stomach as Jongin pulled away.

  
“What are we even doing today?”

  
“Practicing,” Kyungsoo replied.

  
Jongin let out a huff of air, “Then we should just stay today, just us two.”

  
Kyungsoo frowned, “You know we can’t do that.”

  
“I know... A man can hope though can’t he?” Jongin cupped Kyungsoo’s cheeks, pecking him softly on the lips before moving out of the bed. Kyungsoo reluctantly followed.

-  
  
The member’s eyes were yet again on him. Weighing him down. Suffocating. He tried to focus on his chewing, to ignore the tense focus that everyone in the room currently had on him. All he wanted was to stop, to put his food down and finally have some control. But he couldn’t. They wouldn’t let him. His own member’s, his own friends wouldn’t let him have that, let him control his own body, allow him to reach the goal he had been so desperately striving for. Even though he was looking down at the food that sat in front of him he could feel it, their gazes. He could feel Jongin’s stare. Pity. He could feel it radiating off of all of them, especially Jongin. He hated it, he didn’t need their pity. He didn’t need any of this, especially the added calories. He took his last bite, still ignoring them.

  
“Are you done?” he heard Yixing ask.

  
“Yeah, can we go now?” he asked quietly, “We still have practice to get to.”

  
Yixing smiled at him, “Of course, let’s get going. We have a long day ahead of us.”

  
“Can I run to the bathroom real quick before we leave?”

  
“Sure, we’ll wait on you.”

  
“Thanks.”

  
He pushed himself away from the table, making his way down their hallway and entering the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror, watching his unmoving reflection. Staring his undesirable form up and down. His eyes tracked the way his body curved in and out, mostly out, he hated it, he hated himself. He sucked in a tight breath. He turned, eyes briefly stopping on the toilet. He’d considered making himself throw up as a new way to get rid of the weight. He’d done it before, long ago, before debut and he couldn’t bring himself to do it yet again. He hated the way it felt. The way his fingers hit the back of his throat, acidic bile rising shortly thereafter. His throat would always hurt, burning for hours. And the taste, he hated it. It never made him feel better, throwing everything up. It wasn’t like when you’re sick when all you crave is the release and satisfaction of vomiting up your illness, no it was different. There was no relief after. Only hate. You’re left hunched over a toilet bowl, stomach empty but a head full of thoughts and regrets. Unlike with sickness relief was not left in its wake, but instead a feeling of self-hatred that washes over you all at once like a high tide. Never again, Kyungsoo had decided long ago.  
He finally drew his attention to the scale that had been pushed into the corner of the bathroom. Kyungsoo bent over picking it up and laying it in the middle of the room give himself enough space. He tapped the scale once waiting briefly for the numbers to hit 00.0 before stepping on. He held his breath. He hadn’t weighed himself in what felt like an eternity. He used to do it every morning, but now it felt like he was always being watched like he didn’t have any time to do so. He watched the numbers on the digital screen rise steadily before finally slowing, then, stopping. The numbers burned into Kyungsoo’s eyes. He felt sick. He’d gained an entire kilogram. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes but he wiped them away. He couldn’t let the members know what he was doing. They’d take the scale, throw it away, or destroy it, leaving Kyungsoo in a state of uncertainty without the numbers to remind him where he stood, of who he was, of his fate, he couldn’t escape.

  
He shakily stepped off of the scale, watching the screen fall from the numbers to black. He wished that was his weight instead. That black screen that currently showed. That nothingness. That’s all Kyungsoo wanted to be, nothing. To disappear and no longer worry about who he was, how he looked, and the millions he constantly disappointed. He wanted to swim in the emptiness of the black screen, to fall into nothing and drown in it until he too was nothing.

  
Kyungsoo turned around, flushing the toilet for show then moving to wash his hands. He did this for real. He needed to clean himself. Of what, he didn’t know. Maybe he was trying to wash away all of the disappointment he currently felt, all of the self-hate, all of the ugliness he felt so deeply it felt like it was consuming him sometimes. But that could never come off. It would never wash away.  
He looked up at his face in the mirror as he scrubbed his hands under the running faucet. It was red and blotchy and so fat and swollen. It was painfully obvious he’d been holding back tears. He sighed, looking down at his hands, watching the water pour down his hands, covering it completely. He watched it for a few moments, the bubbles that formed as it touched his skin. He turned one of the knobs, letting it run cold. He kept his hands there for a moment, watching as they slowly turned red from the temperature. They stung but he kept them there for a moment, letting himself feel. Feel something other than the hate that sat deep within him on a constant basis. He finally moved his hands into a cupping motion, splashing the cold water onto his face, hoping to rid himself of the red blotches that littered his face.  
“Kyungsoo?” a voice called from the other side of the door, “Are you ok?”

  
Jongin, Kyungsoo smiled to himself before remembering his current position. He looked back to the mirror, his face was now completely red from the cold water. The swelling had gone down slightly but fat still laid in abundance on his cheeks. Small drops of water fell from his hair into the sink. He gripped the edges of the counter.  
“I’m fine,” he said, “I’ll be out in just a second.”

  
He could hear Jongin hesitate, “Ok, I’ll be right here then.”

  
Kyungsoo loosened his grip removing his hands to turn the faucet off. He grabbed the towel off of the rack to his right, scrubbing at his face. He lowered the towel. His face was still red but now from the friction instead of the cold or tears. His hair was significantly less wet. He hung the towel back up, straightened out his hair, and exited the bathroom.  
As soon as he stepped out into the hallway he was met with the warm solid embrace of Jongin’s arms.

  
“Jongin?”

  
“I’m sorry,” he pulled back, his dark eyes looking into Kyungsoo’s own, “I know it’s dumb to worry so much when you’ve only been gone for around five minutes, but…” he trailed off

  
Kyungsoo smiled up at him, “It’s alright,” he brought his hands up to caress Jongin’s face, “I like it when you worry about me.”

  
Jongin frowned and the burning sensation of worry racked through Kyungsoo’s veins. Mind racing to figure out what he said wrong.

  
“Why are your hands so cold?” Jongin asked, his own hands coming up to overlap Kyungsoo’s.

“Ah, I just washed my hands with cold water, that’s all.”

  
Jongin gripped his hands, bringing them down, interconnecting their fingers. He leaned forward, leaving a light kiss on Kyungsoo’s lips.

  
“Let’s get going before the other member’s have a stroke.”

  
Kyungsoo nodded, “Seems like a plan.”  
-  
Dance practice was as grueling as it had always been. Kyungsoo’s body moving too quickly for his liking. He always worried that he lagged just a little bit too far behind the beat, behind his other members, ruining the knife like synchronization the other 11 shared. I was hot in the practice room, excruciatingly hot. Kyungsoo stared at himself in the mirror, his shirt was sticking to him from the sweat, hair wet, matted against his forehead. He was regretting the decision to wear sweatpants. He reminded himself that the heat was good, that sweat was good. The more he sweats, the harder he worked, the more calories he burned. He knew he wouldn’t lose weight like before, maybe even at all, but he wanted to reach a state of equilibrium at the least.

  
“Soo?” he turned to see Jongin staring at him, Kyungsoo cocked his eyebrow questioningly, “You ok?”

  
Kyungsoo nodded, he was beginning to get tired of being asked that. What was he supposed to say to that? No? “No, actually I’m not doing ok. I’m gaining weight like a monster and soon I’ll be just as fat as before. Soon I’ll be a bloated monster and you won’t look at me with that softness you currently hold but instead disgust, distaste, the look I’ve always feared you sending.”

  
“I’m fine, Jongin,” he smiled, “I’m just tired, that’s all.”

  
“Do you want to sit out this next run through? I bet Junmyeon would be more than happy to talk to-”

  
“No, that’s alright,” Kyungsoo interrupted, “I’m alright.”

  
Jongin took a few steps towards him, they now stood only a mere foot from each other, “I just really don’t want you to push yourself too hard.”

  
Kyungsoo smiled, “I’ll try my hardest.”

  
Jongin suddenly took him into his arms. Kyungsoo smiled, wrapping his own around him in return. He placed his face into the crook of Jongin’s neck, breathing in deeply, taking in the scent that was so uniquely Jongin. The scent of fresh driftwood and vanilla. He smiled, Jongin’s arms tightened around him, “Whatever you want,” Jongin whispered, “I’ll get it for you, just tell me, okay?”

  
Kyungsoo nodded, “I will, promise.”

  
“Guys,” he heard Baekhyun speak, “It’s great you both are so lovey-dovey but we’re about to start again so…”

  
Jongin pulled away, much to Kyungsoo’s distaste, “So cool it down, got it.”

  
“Glad you got it,” Baekhyun grinned, “After practice the two of you can do whatever you want, the 10 of us already decided to go out to dinner anyways.”

  
Kyungsoo watched as Jongin’s lips turned into a smirk, “Sounds good. Let’s get started then, want to end this as quick as possible.”

  
Kyungsoo could feel himself blush, he knew what Jongin was getting at. He wasn’t quite sure how he felt about it. On one hand he didn’t want to go out to dinner with the other members and be forced to sit there, shoveling food down his throat as 11 pairs of eyes watched his every move, but on the other hand, he wasn’t sure if Jongin would be happy when he finally saw him naked. When he finally saw him with his gained 2 kilos.

  
Jongin turned to him, “Only if you want to go back to the dorm instead.”

  
Kyungsoo smiled, he really didn’t deserve Jongin, “That’s fine with me.” he spoke.

  
Jongin grinned, “Perfect, well, let’s get started then!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this so far buy me a coffee: https://ko-fi.com/justakpoprose

**Author's Note:**

> If you like this so buy me coffee: https://ko-fi.com/justakpoprose


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